Which one are you?
AQUARIUS: Assures you they’re human but you’re looking for the on/off switch at the back of their neck the whole time.
PISCES: So sensitive and gentle it makes you want to punch a kitten.
ARIES: Able to leap buildings at a single bound, then fall flat on face. In a puddle. Of mud. And find a bunch of money at the bottom.
TAURUS: Will surround self with material goods and possessions because capitalism makes them despair for the future of the world.
GEMINI: The DSM is your autobiography.
CANCER will watch a romantic comedy, make sarcastic comments the whole time, then cry at the end.
LEO: Can go from hero to zero in less than sixty seconds.
VIRGO: Hugh Hefner meets the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond and had a baby. But you still can’t love yourself just as you are.
LIBRA: This world is too ugly for you, but suicide is inelegant so you’ll continue to grace the world with your perfection.
SCORPIO: A riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma and then swallowed by a crocodile.
SAGITTARIUS: Half-human, half-horse, but always confused about which half is which.
CAPRICORN: Will tell you he loves you, then calculate how much $ his love for you has cost him in terms of lost productivity & work hours.